I’ve spent a considerable amount of time in meditation. I’ve talked about my meditation in another video—the one I call harvesting—and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I don’t think it would be beneficial to people. The emphasis is on breaking apart the identity to step into another interpretation, but every time that is done, a new problem is birthed. Then begins the process of trying to figure out how to put it back together, and that cycle never stops. It never ends.
Problem, solution, problem, solution, on and on.
It’s turtles all the way down.
I think my motivations stem from the same place as many others on this path: a fear of God and a curiosity of God. I grew up in a religion that believed God damned certain people, concluding that some were chosen and some were not. At a very early age, I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t one of the chosen.
In my model, this is just part of the construct of creation. A problem is introduced, and the desire for a solution follows. This creates a trajectory for a life experience to take place. If I didn’t have that fear, I would have never been motivated to push as hard as I did to penetrate into the unknown—the desire necessary to move me through all the fears, obstacles, and sticking points to unravel this experience.
That said, was the experience necessary? You’ve got to have something to do; this was mine. That’s why I don’t recommend it to anyone. This was my thing to do, and I don’t think anyone else should bother with it. If you can find peace and contentment in this life, no matter what that looks like, you are doing just fine. Ultimately, you are winning at life.
My dissatisfaction, my suffering, is what motivated me to do all this meditation, tear apart my identity, and explore God and all these aspects of reality. Again, I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone—especially if you can find satisfaction by some other means. For me and my quest, I can’t say I found completion. I just stopped being thirsty. I reached a place, at least in this moment, where I no longer feel compelled to keep drilling down that well, that spring of life.
It’s turtles all the way down.
This refers to the old tale about how the universe is built on top of a turtle, which stands on another turtle, and that one on another. It’s turtles all the way down.
In my model, I don’t believe in a judgmental God, or even a merciful God, because that doesn’t truly exist—though it can be experienced temporarily. My version of God has nothing to do with personality or identity. From my experience in meditation, the conclusion I came to is that it is a machine: a generator of reality. That generator can project an external deity for the purpose of fulfilling a desire or playing out another dream, but it isn’t ultimate reality—only a temporary manifestation to serve the purpose of an experience.
Every aspect penetrated only leads to another mystery.
It’s turtles all the way down.
Of course, during this process, a lot of emotion can come unglued. The identity can latch onto a story, an aspect of creation, and a desire to play it out. I see this as a seduction, a temptation. If it latches on, the desire plays out, it gets fulfilled, and you are right back to square one. Nothing is going on. This is it—just a whole lot of nothing.
A whole lot of nothing, all the way down.
Then there is Solipsism. The desire for separation is the greatest desire. I can’t prove you exist. I can’t prove you have emotions or thoughts or anything of that nature. I can assume it, but I can’t prove it.
In my experience, I don’t even exist. I experience these thoughts, I experience these emotions, I have these fears and motivations, but none of it is truly me. It’s a construct, somehow put together so I can ride within it. I’m inside of it right now, but there have been plenty of times I’ve been outside of it and didn’t even remember it existed—experiencing other aspects of creation, other means of life.
All that said, I’ve concluded that this is my favorite.
It’s turtles all the way down, but from all of my observations, this physical existence is the highest preference. It has always been the highest preference, even when I thought I didn’t like it. With everything going on, and given the constraints surrounding what it means to generate reality—the constraints placed on God—this is the highest option, at least currently. Preferences do and will change.
To elaborate on that fully would be close to impossible. But if you take into scope the idea of eternity, that the greatest desire is the desire for separation, that having an experience of physicality requires constraints, and what it truly means to have a desire—this is the highest preference. All other options are just garbage. This is the best one, and that includes the feature of suffering, which is a necessary element for all of this to take place.
It’s turtles all the way down. In that, this is it. The turtle we are on is the best one.
